Dear Cadets,
I want to make a serious post for a change. This has nothing to do with movies or games or goofy happenings. This has everything to do with my absence and the reason I’m writing this letter is because I am hoping, in a way, to help others. I had a lot of things happen earlier this year that cost me two people I considered to be family and strained some of my other relationships. I live alone and I have very few friends in the area. I’m only home about two nights a week and I currently work no less than 74 hours a week between two jobs. It’s been a bad run this year, my car broke down and cost nearly $2000 to repair, I lost my dog, nearly lost my job, and just last week we lost my step-cousin to cancer. These things are terrible, and at times it feels like life is getting it’s jollies kicking people around just to see if they snap. I nearly did. I felt like I was forcing myself onto people, almost like I was inviting myself and no one wanted to say no. It seemed like I finally reached the end of my rope. I was so lost in the darkness I had nearly forgotten what the light looked like, until now.
Through the beginning of the year I have really reconnected with my family, something that had been somewhat difficult before. My sister and a few friends helped me repaint my apartment while my mom took it upon herself to clean the kitchen. Visit after visit with my mom, sister, and brother to get things for the apartment, they wouldn’t let me turn them down. Friends coming over to help me move furniture and put my living room together. My office is still not a thing yet but when I can take time off I’ll get it sorted out. This was all in two months.
In that time I met a man who after six months I can say without hesitation that I love dearly In the beginning when my feeling really fully formed I honestly had thought about leaving because I felt it was unfair to subject him to the ongoing drama that my life had become. When I admitted to him that this was going on he said it wasn’t an issue to him. He unblinkingly accepted me and my many faults without a second thought. Even more he was being honest, and to this day his patience with my messy apartment and crazy schedule still amazes me, how does he stay sane around me when I can’t stand to be around me?
It was in June, I, who never had an ongoing high anxiety issue, was having panic attacks every day, multiple times a day. They could be caused by everything from the thought of a meeting to standing at my register doing nothing. They came like a wave, built up suddenly then just as fast they would be gone. I finally hit such a high stress level I even had high blood pressure. After a few weeks I decided that I’d had enough and called my insurance to see what I could do to go into therapy. I didn’t want this to be me anymore, I wanted to be myself again. I can say that was one of the most important calls I had made, I was calling for help. I have been in therapy since the end of June and I can say in the last two months I am finally feeling better. I still have a lot of things to work out but I have started to lose weight, I sleep a little more when I can, and I even have a vacation in October.
The point of this whole letter is to show you that you can fix your life, you hear about how it starts and how it ends, I wanted to show you the middle. I have a long road but I decided my life needed to change and instead of whining about what could have been and how things should be I have worked hard to try and mold my life into what I want it to be. If you have a job you don’t like then look for a new one. If you need a job then look constantly and when you are not applying volunteer because it shows you are still trying to be productive even if it doesn’t benefit you monetarily. I knew I was beyond helping myself and instead of crying and throwing a tantrum I finally decided to get the outside help I needed with the love and support of my friends and family. I didn’t like who I’d become so I am changing and hopefully I’ll come out of this a little better instead of bitter. So please take care and if you are having problems please don’t hide them, talk to the people whom you care about and care about you and be proactive. Take care of yourselves, and I promise regular programming will resume.
Sincerely,
Alexis A.K.A War Kitten
P.S- When things get rough just keep reminding yourself, "this doesn't make me a different person, this doesn't define me, it's going to be okay."
